September 23rd, 2008

wart

I guess you have the right to be so masturbatory

Hey, here's something fun! It's the Mormon guide to overcoming masturbation! Here are some highlights:

Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

Yep, never getting any time alone is TOTALLY healthy, right?

When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror.

Why? Because you might be so turned on by YOURSELF that that you just can't help jerking off? Sounds like whoever wrote this had some major issues.

If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight.

Use food as a substitute for masturbation. Okay, THERE'S some good advice. Now, I don't think most people who masturbate a lot or overeat are really addicts in the true sense of the word, but whoever wrote this seems to think they are, so I don't know why trading one addiction for another is a recommended step. Gluttony is also a sin, isn't it?

We are taught that our bodies are temples of God, and are to be clean so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us. Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. It is not physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme. It is a habit that is totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no way expresses the proper use of the procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It therefore separates a person from God and defeats the gospel plan.

So, in other words, the Mormon "gospel plan" means cranking out lots of babies. Any sexual activity that CAN'T result in babies is wrong. Does someone still think that men have a limited amount of sperm, or what?

It is normal for the vesicles to be emptied occasionally at night during sleep. This is called a wet dream. The impulses that cause the emptying come from the central nervous system. Often an erotic dream is experienced at the same time, and is a part of this normal process.

Hey, that's not fair! If any lust is sinful, even if it's only in the mind and never acted upon, then why excuse the subconscious mind from this? If you're going to say that any ejaculation not for the purposes of reproduction is wrong, why is a wet dream the exception? And don't give me any crap about what's natural, because I think it's natural for the human libido to work both when you're awake AND asleep.

If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eating several of them as you do the act.

Okay...I don't think I need to comment on this one.

Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food.

Why? Because mustard makes people horny? I'm surprised there's no recommendation to eat corn flakes.

In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken.

Masturbation is right out, but BDSM is IN!

Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.

Yeah, I could save up, and then hit the porn store! Oh, wait...

To me, this is just more of the idea that anything people actually enjoy is sinful. If you eschew all pleasure in this life, you'll have eternal pleasure in the next. Or something like that. I don't know. I have a hard time believing that God gave us sex drives just so we could overcome them, except occasionally when we want to have kids. I mean, hey, it's possible, but I've never been too keen on world-denying religions. And I say this as someone who thinks this world is pretty messed up. But then, you'll sometimes get the same people saying that the beauty of nature is proof of a loving creator, yet the world as a whole is nasty and sinful, and it's all going to be destroyed soon anyway. I don't think it's quite reasonable to have it both ways like that.

Until next time, everybody, remember to keep sweet!
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