Nathan (vovat) wrote,

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Twelve Things I Hate About Health Care

Sarah Palin has joined the crowd of people who are claiming that Obama's health plan involves creating a board that determines whether or not the old and the sick deserve to live. I've heard so many people parroting the same tired arguments about why national health care is a bad idea (the main one being that people will have to wait for emergency medical procedures, because that apparently NEVER happens under our current system :P), but this one really takes the cake. I have to wonder if fans of Fox News and Sarah Palin will believe ANYTHING that basically fits with their already established viewpoints. So here are some other rumors about Obama's health plan. Spread these around, and see how long it takes for Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck to start claiming that they're real.

1. Not only will you have to wait months for a heart transplant, but there will also be a disco dance contest for heart patients. Only the five best (as chosen by a panel made up of Paula Abdul, Louis Farrakhan, and KC from the Sunshine Band) will be allowed to receive transplants.

2. All hospitals will be required to include members of the ACLU and ACORN on their directorial boards.

3. Euthanasia machines will be placed in public school nurses' offices, to be used by students who are worried about their bad grades.

4. Medical marijuana will be not only legal, but mandatory for all Americans. Cigars, on the other hand, will be banned.

5. Starting at the age of two, children will be given weekly doses of Viagra. Also, a twelve-pack of condoms will be given to every new baby at birth.

6. Heterosexual sex will only be permitted twice a year, on the summer and winter solstices, and only with a signed note from the local Sex Enforcement Board.

7. Elected representatives from Compton and East St. Louis will raid Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet once a month.

8. All privately owned guns will be confiscated and given to doctors, so that they can shoot children with Down Syndrome.

9. In order to pay for the plan, a 100% tax rate will be instituted on anyone who has ever voted Republican.

10. The new mandatory treatment for the flu will consist of drinking diet soda mixed with ashes from burnt-up Bibles and American flags.

11. The blood of anyone who waits until marriage to have sex will be drawn and drunk by Angelina Jolie.

12. All SUVs will be melted down to make needles for required injections of a fluid that gives people both heroin addiction and an overwhelming need to see George Clooney movies.
Tags: politics
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